You’ve always admired your mother’s sapphire brooch, which she promised you several years ago. Likewise, your brother was counting on Dad’s expensive chain saw. But when your parents passed away, your youngest brother and his wife—who live in the same town—took it all. What do you do?

The high ground is to appreciate that your memories are the most important reminder of your mother and your relationship with her. If you can calmly talk to your brother and sister-in-law, try it. “You have no way of knowing this, but a year ago Mom promised me her sapphire brooch. You have this item of Mom’s (assuming that the sister-in-law has some other possession of your mother’s). It would mean a lot to me to have the brooch and comply with Mom’s wishes.” Hope for the best and take comfort that you tried and brought the issue to the forefront. That way the topic won’t fester and you don’t have to wonder. Encourage your brother to use a similar tactic regarding the chain saw.

If your sister-in-law won’t part with the brooch, make the best of it. Try not to let it break up your relationship with your brother. Ask if you could borrow the pin to wear on special occasions. Also, take the pin to a professional photographer and have a close-up shot taken of the brooch. Frame the photo and display it in a prominent place in your home. If you have a photo of your mother wearing the pin, display that in the same place. It won’t be the same as owning or wearing the pin, but at least you’ll have a remembrance of the memento.

For more information or to get answers to your questions, please contact your Home Instead Senior Care office in The Greater Phoenix, AZ area.   We can be reached via email at education@homeinstead.com.

Two months ago your daughter and her family bought the house next door. While you’re thrilled to have family close by, they have a key and drop by any time they want. How do you tell them to respect your privacy?

This is difficult because you don’t want to alienate your family or make them feel unwelcome. Try beginning as gently as you can. Something like: “Jennifer, you know I love having you guys close by, and I enjoy your company at home. But, there have been a couple of times when a little more warning would be nice. Do you think we can arrange for you to call before you come over? That way I can make sure I’m ready.”

You may get a response along the lines of “Oh Mom, you don’t need to do anything to get ready for us!” If so, you’ll have to stay strong and be firm. “I know that. But I would like to just have a little warning that you’re coming over in case I’m napping or in the middle of something. I’d prefer it to you coming over unexpectedly. Can you give me a call before you come over?” This should do the trick. If they continue dropping by unexpectedly, repeat the conversation.

For more information or to get answers to your questions, please contact your Home Instead Senior Care office in The Greater Phoenix, AZ area.   We can be reached via email at education@homeinstead.com.

The Five Wishes document helps you express how you want to be treated if you are seriously ill and unable to speak for yourself. It is unique among all other living will and health agent forms because it looks to all of a person’s needs: medical, personal, emotional and spiritual. Five Wishes also encourages discussing your wishes with your family and physician.

Five Wishes lets your family and doctors know:

1. Who you want to make healthcare decisions for you when you can’t make them for yourself.
2. The kind of medical treatment you want or don’t want.
3. How comfortable you want to be.
4. How you want people to treat you.
5. What you want your loved ones to know.

Download this page as a PDF (530 K) or to receive the full Five Wishes booklet see order information below.

There are a few states in which Five Wishes does not yet meet the legal requirements. These states either require a specific state form or that the person completing an advance directive be read a mandatory notice or “warning.” Residents of these states can still use Five Wishes to put their wishes in writing and communicate their wishes to their family and physician. Most healthcare professionals understand they have a duty to listen to the wishes of their patients no matter how they are expressed.

Five Wishes was created by the national non-profit organization Aging with Dignity, and originally distributed with support from a grant by The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, the nation’s largest philanthropy devoted exclusively to health and healthcare. Over 11 million copies of Five Wishes have been distributed worldwide through a network of more than 15,000 organizations. With support from the United Health Foundation, Aging with Dignity recently introduced Five Wishes translated into 20 new languages.

For more information or to get answers to your questions, please contact your Home Instead Senior Care office in The Greater Phoenix, AZ area.   We can be reached via email at education@homeinstead.com.

At age 85, you’re happy to be healthy and living longer than you ever expected. But money is running out. Not only will you be unable to leave your children the inheritance they’re expecting, but funds are getting tight for you as well. What do you say to your kids?

The first step is to establish a budget and know exactly how bad the situation is. You may be able to do this on your own, or you may want to find non-profit credit counseling services that could help. Your children can assist if you are comfortable with that. It’s very likely that their first question when you start talking about this will be along the lines of “How bad is it?” You will either need to have an answer, or be ready for them to start asking more detailed questions. So if you don’t want them involved in the details of your finances, make sure you can answer them clearly about the bottom line: How much more money do you need each month to continue getting by?

A good way to start this conversation might be something like “Barbara. I’m a little embarrassed to tell you this, but I’m afraid I’m running short on money. I had planned everything just fine, but I was expecting to be dead by now. Can we talk a little about this? Or can you help me figure out what I should do?” Many children will be more than happy to get involved and figure out solutions. Before the conversation starts, make sure that you know what it is you want from your child. Do you want them to financially help you, help you plan or help you find a professional financial advisor? You will always be more effective in this sort of conversation if you know what you want from it.

For more information or to get answers to your questions, please contact your Home Instead Senior Care office in The Greater Phoenix, AZ area.   We can be reached via email at education@homeinstead.com.

At age 70, you know you need to start thinking about end-of-life issues. Your children say you’re young yet and keep putting off the subject. How do you begin a serious discussion that your kids can’t ignore?

Remember, when it comes to end-of-life issues, you’re the key person. These are primarily your decisions and so you can go ahead and think about them without input from anybody. There are many resources that could help you put together something like a living will or advance directive. You can produce it and give it to the children. (See the section in this guide on advance directives.) That will force the discussion. If they disagree with what’s in the document, it’s up to THEM to initiate a discussion.

Appointing a power of attorney can also be a way to focus the discussion. If you want to do this, start with: “Judy. I know that stuff about dying is hard to talk about, but I am at an age when I really need to make some plans. I’d like you to have power of attorney if I ever get into a situation where I can’t make decisions for myself. Would you be willing to help me by doing this?”

For more information or to get answers to your questions, please contact your Home Instead Senior Care office in The Greater Phoenix, AZ area.   We can be reached via email at education@homeinstead.com.

You’ve just attended the third funeral of a close friend within a year’s time. The toll of all these losses is starting to wear on you emotionally. You’d like more support from your family, but how do you ask?

If you are losing a lot of friends and are feeling sad or hopeless, then you may need some more substantial assistance: Depression is not something to take lightly, and it can be treated effectively. Don’t be embarrassed to talk to your doctor about these kinds of issues. Being sad all the time is not a “normal” part of aging. So don’t necessarily think that family members are going to solve this problem. However, support and companionship from your family can definitely help.

If family members live nearby, try to set up a regular time for getting together. “Hi Son, how are you doing? Listen, I’ve been feeling like I just need someone to talk to a little more. Is there one evening each week when I could buy you dinner and we could just chat?” If family is far away–physically or emotionally–consider contacting the Home Instead Senior Care network. The company has many compassionate CAREGivers who would be willing to provide you companionship and support.

For more information or to get answers to your questions, please contact your Home Instead Senior Care office in The Greater Phoenix, AZ area.   We can be reached via email at education@homeinstead.com.

The communication gap that occurred when Boomer children were teenagers may repeat as seniors struggle to find the right words to talk to their kids about sensitive subjects.

Independence, money, health and romance can leave tongue-tied even senior parents who are close to their Boomer children. How do seniors tell their adult children they want to stay in their own home versus going to a nursing home? What does a widower say to the kids when he’s dating a family friend? How does a widow tell her children that she has cancer? How do older adults explain that they’re becoming forgetful without sending their family into a panic?

The “40-70″ Rule® was all about talking sooner rather than waiting until a crisis had occurred; the idea being that if you’re 40, or your parents are 70, it’s time to start talking. The same is true of the “70-40″ Rule®. If you’re 70 and your kids are 40, it’s time to start talking about some of the issues of concern to older adults as they age. And it’s never too late to begin a meaningful conversation with the kids.

The “40-70″ Rule® is based on original research conducted by Home Instead Senior Care, which discovered that nearly one-third of adults in the U.S. have a major communication obstacle with their parents that stems from continuation of the parent-child role. That same dynamic–and others–can come into play as well for older adults dealing with their Boomer children. If you’re a senior with adult children, the 4070talk.com Web site can help you break the ice with your kids, before a crisis has occurred and even after one already has happened.

Please download the full “70-40″ Rule® Booklet (PDF 600K).

For more information or to get answers to your questions, please contact your Home Instead Senior Care office in The Greater Phoenix, AZ area.   We can be reached via email at education@homeinstead.com.

1. Be assertive . . . 
   There will be situations where people talk to you in ways that are inappropriate. You may be patronized, put down or abused, even by family members. Assertiveness involves figuring out what you need in a specific situation, stating that clearly and definitively so that the other person can’t fail to understand. Then don’t allow the conversation to be sidetracked onto other issues.
2. . . . Not aggressive.
   Aggressive communication includes negative personal attacks on the other person as well as insults. Even if they make you feel good, these attacks are unlikely to be helpful and will probably just reinforce someone else’s negative perception of you. When the focus becomes the other person, you’ve lost the ability to talk about what you want to talk about.
3. Be selective.
   Pick your battles. In some circumstances it may be easier to walk away or go along with something. You can’t fight every battle or you’ll exhaust yourself and alienate those around you. Save the assertive behavior for the situations where it is most important; that will also make it more effective.
4. Optimize your energy.
   Look for the places and times in which you are most effective in getting what you need out of conversations; plan to have important conversations at those places and times. If you’re more on your toes in the mornings, then arrange for meetings at that time so that you’re likely to get the most out of them.
5. Compensate for weaknesses.
   If you are having trouble hearing, or if it seems like people around you are not speaking clearly, get a hearing test and don’t feel embarrassed if you need a hearing aid. Some hearing loss is a normal part of aging, and can be very effectively dealt with. The same applies to other things: if you forget important things that you wanted to talk about with someone (whether a family member or your physician), get into the habit of keeping lists or notes to remind you.
6. Seek independence, avoid dependence.
   Seek social contact where people encourage you to do things yourself and where they challenge you mentally or physically. Avoid spending lots of time in situations where everything is done for you. Even if people are doing this out of love or respect, spending too much time in situations where you are passive is bad for you. It can literally be bad for your health to be waited on all the time. If you need help to remain independent, seek out resources such as the Home Instead Senior Care network.
7. Raise the issue. 
   Often there are issues that everyone knows are out there. Consider what your child might want to know, and if you have the opportunity to raise the issue, do it. A child may find it difficult to talk about a will. It’s relatively straightforward, though, for you to mention to your child that you have one and it’s all in order. If the topic is a difficult one, it is often helpful to “set the stage” by prefacing a conversation with “I want to talk to you about something . . .”
8. Defend without defensiveness. 
   Your child may come to you with what seems to be an accusation — perhaps it seems like your child is saying that you’re not safe to drive anymore. Think about how to defend against this without defensiveness. Conflict and anger rarely change minds, but frank and constructive discussions can. Offer to take a driving test or a defensive driving course to demonstrate your competence. If a child is suggesting taking away your car keys, consider offering a compromise (you won’t drive at night; you’ll reduce your driving). Looking for places where you are comfortable meeting someone halfway will increase your chances of getting your own way on the issues most important to you.
9. Look for points of agreement. 
   Even if you disagree with 90 percent of what someone is saying, don’t forget to point out where you do agree: common ground is a good starting point for resolving problems. Talking about where you agree also demonstrates that you’ve listened carefully to what the other person is saying.
10. Listen and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. 
    When children come to you with an issue, it’s normally because they’re concerned and because they care. Even if you don’t like what they have to say, appreciate why they are saying it. Remember feelings you had for your parents when you were younger, and think about the trouble you might have had in raising difficult issues with them. Your child is feeling that same anxiety, so even if you disagree, look for ways to express your appreciation for their motivation. “I know you’re saying this because you care about me.” Expressing gratitude, caring, love and appreciation demonstrates your desire to maintain a positive relationship, no matter what the outcome of the current conversation.

For more information or to get answers to your questions, please contact your Home Instead Senior Care office in The Greater Phoenix, AZ area.   We can be reached via email at education@homeinstead.com.

Tuesday, May 7

Did you know that there are approximately 35 million Americans age 65 and older, and more than 5.4 million suffer from Alzheimer’s disease? Dementia is the overriding diagnosis for cognitive impairments – the largest category under dementia is Alzheimer’s disease.

Geriatric specialists know that quality of care begins with family members and professional caregivers who are sensitive, patient and kind. But how can those who care for the elderly be empathetic when they have never experienced old age in its fragile state?

To examine this issue, a “Virtual Dementia Tour” was created by Atlanta-based Second Wind Dreams, a national non-profit organization founded by Virtual Dementia Tour author, P.K. Beville in 1997 to fulfill dreams for those living in elder care communities and to research ways to improve their quality of life.

The Virtual Dementia Tour is a scientifically proven method designed to build sensitivity and awareness in individuals caring for those with Dementia and anyone seeking to understand the physical and mental challenges of those with the disease.

Home Instead Senior Care, along with Haven Senior Horizons, is offering this opportunity for you to experience Dementia first hand.  Join us Tuesday, May 7, 2013 for the Virtual Dementia Tour.  Appointments are being taken from 9:30am until 2:30pm for this one-on-one experience. The tour takes approximately 15 minutes.

If you or someone you know would benefit from this training please contact Home Instead Senior Care at 602-903-1346 to reserve your space.

Appointments are limited.

Sandy is asking if it is appropriate for her mother, who was widowed after 50 years of marriage, to start dating? ~Mary Maxwel

Sandy from Charlotte, North Carolina writes “I have a question that I hope you can answer. My father
passed away three years ago at the age of 72. He and mother had just celebrated their 50th wedding
anniversary a few months before. They were always the perfect couple; a couple everyone admired.
That is why I can’t understand how my mother can be dating. For the last few months she’s been
spending a lot of time with a gentleman from church. They see movies together, go to dinner, and now
he wants her to go on a weekend trip. How can I make her see this is inappropriate?”

Sandy, dear, cool it. Your mother is not being inappropriate. 3 years is more than enough for a mourning period….especially at our age. One of the best proofs that a long marriage was a good one is that the surviving partner is not afraid of
another relationship. Now, to be honest, I’m hoping that my husband won’t actually bring a date to my
wake, but I certainly don’t want him to spend the rest of his life sitting in his recliner watching fox news
and thumbing through our wedding album. In fact, I’m thinking of making a list of some possible future
companions for him. I will also point out the person who, if he takes her to dinner, will make it necessary for me to come back to haunt him.